Direct Flights during the Holidays

To give you some context, people can locate the number for the department where I work very easily. We are Anthropology and Archaeology combined into one. So we get questions about archaeological proof of the Book of Mormon or letters from prisons saying we are Mafia Studies. You know, your everyday office business.

Yesterday morning around 10 a.m. a woman calls telling me she needs to talk to someone about the archaeological practice of digging up burial sites. She explains that she's read apocryphal texts and Jewish texts that aren't in the Bible, and they condemn this practice. She's a new member of the LDS church, and she must talk to a professor about this grave matter.

So I rack my brain for a professor who would be appropriate, but thank goodness I didn't speak too quickly because before I knew it I was having a conversation that didn't even require an "uh huh" or "yes..." or "I know" to continue on.

Here are some great one-liners:

"[People are] trashing the whole superstructure of the planet," referring to evil people in this world.

"When I was little people did experiments to me and put me on all sorts of medication...I've died. I've already been murdered."

I asked her if she had email so she could contact a professor via email. She said that no she did not and those people at AOL took over her email address. "I don't know if it's the FBI, undercover FBI, or who did it, but they ruined my life."

She then continued to say that in relation to corrupt groups like the FBI, "Groups are great until they take my blood elements."

She talked about how the LDS church emphasizes families and how wonderful families are. She said that she didn't believe that families were all they're cracked up to be. "We're the aliens. We're the aliens to God if we're not in the right family."

I passed the phone to Arlene in the office to indicate what I was dealing with. She thought it was an automated message. She listened in for 30 seconds or so and then passed it back to me. "Doesn't this remind you of your mission?" Yes.

After 15 minutes of her talking, I eventually directed her to another department, the Department of Ancient Scripture. Sorry, guys. But she got close to the redirection of her phone call and spurted out this one, "I need a direct flight to Jesus."

Who knew the holidays could be so thrilling.